Currently Brave New World By Aldous Huxley see related

Did I watch you close enough to know your details - what you love, what excites you, what makes you feel loved?  Or was I so absorbed in fear of man, the fear that I might never measure up to being a man that I could rarely see outside myself?  Did I see you?  No wonder you were always so hungry!  No wonder you wondered if I loved you in the last days!  Am I truly so well-ensnared that there is so little of me that gets out to truly love?

Father, evermore remove these snares on my heart!  Free me to love You with complete abandon as well as those whom You send me to pour Your love out on!  May I not live in whimpers until I die, having not lived at all!  

Lies! Lies! Lies!  All so warmly embraced!  All so firmly debilitating!  The slow oh so comfortably familiar suffocation.  Shall I die or climb out?  Is it too late to climb out and have any valuable life left?  Oh! Why do You have me still here?!?!  You know I'll only blunder things up and make Your name more odious!!!  You see the evil place my mind is at!  You know what my deceitful heart is capable of, is on the verge of doing even now!  It tortures me that You keep me here in this state!  Have mercy, Father, mercy!

"Wait."

*SIGH*

Okay.