Currently Rides Again By The James Gang There I Go Again see related

Subterrainian Anger

Day after day I make my way wounded and worn as we are

Waiting for time and Love, Himself, to heal what's distractingly sore

Time and again it rises within, the bitter response to the loss

And time and again I swallow it down wondering when I'll be rid of the dross

Days non-incidental, nights so delightful, sometimes I feel in the clear

Nights with a good book, days in the sunshine, smiles from those I hold dear

Then sniping their poisonous darts without warning, mocking my security

Memories flooding the bittersweet passions that never again will touch me

The anger rumbles beneath and I find I'm grinding my teeth

I feel destruction flooding my veins

A fist through a window, a mangled dining room chair

I swallow and act like I'm sane

Each morning I wake saying "Please, may I stay with the pillows and sheets?"

And each morning I hear gently, "No."

So I rise from the gentleness into stark stressfulness into the world

Where I know no true love flows.

But each evening as I ease my back on the mattress and the pillow kisses my face

I thank my Mentor for getting me through the day's maze with a semblance of grace

I turn out the light, secure in the night because I know His power is there

So I sleep like a log, on through the fog that I know will soon leave the air

And I trust in the One Who will get it all done as He leads me to the next stage

Of growing in life, growing in love, making me wiser with age

And deep in my soul He is making a hole to leak out the anger and pain

And soon only light will invade my heart's sight, but I will still walk with a cane

But I will have exhaled the poison gas of subterrainian anger.

Currently Three of Perfect Pair By King Crimson Man with an Open Heart see related

15 High Impact Books

Currently Brave New World By Aldous Huxley see related

Snapshot 40238

Did I watch you close enough to know your details - what you love, what excites you, what makes you feel loved?  Or was I so absorbed in fear of man, the fear that I might never measure up to being a man that I could rarely see outside myself?  Did I see you?  No wonder you were always so hungry!  No wonder you wondered if I loved you in the last days!  Am I truly so well-ensnared that there is so little of me that gets out to truly love?

Father, evermore remove these snares on my heart!  Free me to love You with complete abandon as well as those whom You send me to pour Your love out on!  May I not live in whimpers until I die, having not lived at all!  

Lies! Lies! Lies!  All so warmly embraced!  All so firmly debilitating!  The slow oh so comfortably familiar suffocation.  Shall I die or climb out?  Is it too late to climb out and have any valuable life left?  Oh! Why do You have me still here?!?!  You know I'll only blunder things up and make Your name more odious!!!  You see the evil place my mind is at!  You know what my deceitful heart is capable of, is on the verge of doing even now!  It tortures me that You keep me here in this state!  Have mercy, Father, mercy!

"Wait."

*SIGH*

Okay.

Currently Hemispheres By Rush Circumstances see related

State of the Onion

My life seems to consist of monotanies, some fun, some less so, which roll along at a regular pace against the background of huge impending changes.  My weeks are set with Monday night small group, Tuesday night date night, Wednesday night walks through the Greenway, occasional Saturday night small groups, and Sunday laundry.  That leaves Thursday, Friday and some Saturdays to pick up my bass, which some of you will be glad to hear I'm doing, and working on certain old Rush, Yes and Kansas tunes again.  After I feel I've mastered them appropriately I'll probably pick up some Flea bass lines since I enjoyed his funk style when one of  my last bass students requested to learn a couple of RHCP songs. 

Anyway, this goes on week in and week out as I wait for things to fall into place so that my move to Australia will be smooth.  The thing is Abba told me it wasn't going to happen overnight.  Its going to take months.  Plus there is the possibility of something no one wants to happen will move me away from here for a few months.  I hope the reason for the move is innocuous, though it hasn't been revealed to me with any specificity.

So the house has to sell (my inlaws want to buy my half, but are moving at a pace that is slower than I'd like, but which is probably prudent for them), then the move to Jax for whatever reason, then the move to Oz.  The waiting is grating on my nerves.  I have strong feelings about each part of the trek.

So I have this excruciation in the background while I go to small group, take a little one out for shopping, food and the Fun Station, or walk the Greenway, do my laundry or wonder why my finger is finding so hard to find that fret in this progression.

Also, so many people want me to remarry.  I'm not sure what the different motives are, but every time I consider it the notion is not pleasant.  I've barely begun to enjoy my freedom.  The main reason I wanted to marry was to have someone to grow old with and share memories made when so few have that in their 80's and 90's.  I believe I now have that with Abba, and that it will suffice for me for the rest of my life.  Besides, I like how my heart is changing toward those of the fairer sex, though there's much more changing that needs to happen in that area.

I have a great adventure set before me, if I live long enough to enjoy it.  And with great enthusiasm I'm looking forward to living it out.

Currently Minstrel in the Gallery By Jethro Tull Cold Wind To Valhalla see related

Untitled

(Why do people use this since it's mere existence contradicts itself?)

I picked up a few more CDs to continue the nephew's musical lexicon.  I'm reading "A Brave New World" and "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance".  It is interesting how the excitement levels of these two books rises and falls complementarily.  I bought a Clint Eastwood western DVD and Heat on the cheap.  These may be the first DVD's I have ever bought for myself.  Strange, huh?

I wrote a note to one of the college kids who is struggling with finding the humility to ask for things.  Interestingly, this one wants to be a social worker.  "I'll help you but you can't help me!"  It got me thinking about why I find it so difficult to ask for help.  I think its because I don't want to find out that I'm not as loved as I would like to think I am.

I haven't seen my neighbor since she made dinner for me a couple of weeks ago.  I hope she's doing okay.  I'm not feeling like I'm supposed to be going over there to take the onslaught of her anger toward all things right of socialism and all things Christian.  I understand that she has been brainwashed into this political anger.  I also understand her anger towards all things Christian since she has been so miserably treated by her family in the name of Christianity.  April & I have hoped that our love for her would aswage it somewhat, but she seems to have dug in pretty deeply in the safety of her rage.  I'll probably knock on her door sometime this weekend to make sure she's hanging in there okay.

I still haven't purchased a new cord to hook my bass and amp up.  Hopefully I'll do that this weekend as well.  I really need to work on that Yes, Kansas, and Rush stuff for my sanity's sake.  I've been spending way too much time watching movies and killing off civilizations on the PC.

A neighbor is an awesome jazz violinist.  Once a month or so he and his wife invite some friends over for a three person concert for the evening.  Some of their friends invited me last month.  People bring nibbles and drinks and they play their fingers off.  Last time he was accompanied by a bass teacher from FAMU and a piano teacher from FSU.  There was nothing they couldn't play.  They were phenomenal!  Only 20 or so people can fit in the house and get to witness this musical excellence.  How do I end up in such places of privilege so often?  What is Abba training me for?  Or is He just reminding me how much He loves me?